Fanny packs and "almost motorcycles"

Have you seen those new three-wheeled motorcycles, with two front wheels?  As a man that would love to ride a motorcycle, I can see that kind of machine being ideal.  Not only would you have the extra stability that three wheels provide, you eliminate that potential for embarrassment when you lose your balance at a stop light.  Unfortunately, these new machines are not accepted by the motorcycle riding public.  If you can picture a guy wearing a David Bowie shirt to an Iron Maiden concert, you have the right idea of how the owners of these machines are viewed by actual motorcycle riders.

Don’t get me wrong, I like these new machines, but I just cannot allow myself to buy one until I can be certain that I am not the punch line in a joke.  I should not make decisions solely based on the opinion of others, but I do.  I think that most men do this.  As an example, most men will not wear a fanny pack.  Now some retailers are trying to call them waist packs.  Too late.  You called it a fanny pack first and it stuck. 

Women tried to tell men that it was ok to wear one because men in Europe wear them.  Those men also wear things at our beaches that should void their travel visas.   Women also tried to appeal to our sense of logic by pointing out the utility provided by such a handy piece of apparel.  That did not work either.  Men don’t say “fanny”, ever.  Most women don’t use that word.  It could just as easily been named the Butt Bag or Ass Pocket.  Men would not have bought in, but at least it would be less sissy.  Men just cannot accept this product and we are pretty sure that European men that do must have lost a bet, probably with their wives.

Sometimes, we accept things too easily.  Tattoos are a good example of this.  Not that long ago, when you saw a guy with a tattoo, you knew this was a tough guy.  When you saw a woman with a tattoo, you knew she was either loose, crazy or with that tough guy.  But now we see all sorts of people with tattoos.  I have seen patent attorney that are inked up like an inmate.  

Men emulate what they believe to be accepted by the toughest of the male population.  Men avoid what they know those men dislike.  I am no stronger than any other man, so I will wait for these three-wheeled vehicles to be widely accepted before I buy one.  When I see a man with tattoos climb off of one and place the keys in his fanny pack, I will know that I have been cleared by society to make the purchase.  Until then, I will continue to ask before every key decision, “Would the Marlboro Man and Clint Eastwood be cool with this?”

It does NOT take all kinds, so maybe zombies can help.

There are two sides to every story and at least that many sides to any good debate.  But some things are not up to debate.  There are things that everyone just agrees are bad news.  A few people try to remain optimistic and neutral, but that won’t always work.  Those people are annoying to those of us that disagree with them. 

You know the guy that drives the ice cream truck is a creep, but some neutral fence-sitter will say, “It takes all kinds to make the world go around”.  Where did a phrase like that come from in the first place?  First of all, it doesn’t take any “kind” of people for the world to go around.  Additionally, would the world really be worse off without some of the bad people?  What harm would come to us if we did not have burglars, for instance?  I contend that outside of pawn shop owners, you would find few to argue on their behalf. 

We also don’t need mosquitos, ticks, rusty nails, ferrets, onions or zombies.  Some of you might take issue with one or more things on that list, but please fight through the fact that you are wrong and read on.  Even if you did take issue with something on that list, it wasn’t zombies was it?  Am I psychic or otherwise gifted as a mind reader?  Probably, but zombies are just one of those things we all agree on.  They are bad on so many levels that we just cannot love them.

We have all met someone that we initially did not like, but someone else explained   that if you can just talk to him before he gets “coked up” he is a totally likeable guy.  That is never the case with zombies.  The debate about what to do with zombies has been a topic of casual and serious conversation for decades.  There is no debate about their status, but rather about how to rid the planet of them.  Perhaps we should try to find a use for zombies.  Don’t get all twisted up.  I have not lost my wits.  I just think that with a few adjustments, we can find a way to co-exist with zombies and maybe even benefit from their presence.  Let me explain.

Aside from the unpleasant odor, one of the most widely disliked traits of zombies is their relentless pursuit of their favorite food, human brains.  They approach this task with all of the tenacity of a meth addict.  What if we could somehow re-program zombies to crave more specific foods?  Consider the impact on crime if zombies were constantly in pursuit of the brains of burglars.  I would love to be a fly on the wall of a typical parole hearing.  “Well Mr. Jones, you have served out 75% of your sentence without any bad behavior, so we are in favor of releasing you from prison”.  The convict responds, “I really have come to accept my sentence and was wondering if you might consider keeping me if I shank that creepy ice cream man that shares my cell.”

I am not saying that this type of thing would come at a cheap price.  First, you have to gather the zombies in one central location for the re-programming.  You also would need to replace all of the neighborhood watch signs.  The new ones would read, “This neighborhood patrolled by burglar eating zombies”. 

Given that this change in zombie behavior will take time and will likely have to come in stages, we should start with training them to eat other things we don’t need.  First, if you can teach them to eat liver, you can teach them anything.  That probably goes for all creatures and learning any task.  The level of commitment necessary to actually consume liver is extremely high.  I see people with those 13.1 and 26.2 stickers on their cars and I am impressed.  But can they eat liver?  Probably not.  It’s not that running half or all of a marathon is not difficult.  But compared to eating liver, it loses a bit of the drama.  If you prepare yourself for several months, or years, eat the right foods and avoid injury, you can complete a marathon.  There is absolutely nothing that will prepare you for the taste and texture of liver.  If we can get zombies on the liver train, the sky is the limit.  In short order we can get rid of ferrets, telemarketers and people that drive the speed limit in the left lane.